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Still Here With You

July 13, 2018

Just had a conversation with my ten-month-old son. While he most likely did not understand it all, it was quite fruitful, and it will be a conversation that I continue to have throughout our life together.

Ayden does not like to be out of my arms or not touching me. He often cries or screams because he misses me and wants to be close, like many babies do who can be quite clingy at this age. I think that even the fact that we call it clingy shows that we treat this often as a negative thing. However, it is not. It is a blessing and part of this beautiful bond created between parent and child. The conversation happened as we were walking out of the house, after I had finished doing what I needed to do, getting things ready to go, and I picked him up. It went something like this...

"Sweet boy, I know you don't like to be away from me or out of my arms, because you miss me and you feel disconnected and sad....but you will learn soon that when you are not in my arms and you are in front of me or just a few feet away from me, that I'm still here, and I am still with you. Then, soon you will learn that even if I'm not right in front of you where you can see me, that I'm still here, and I am still with you. As you grow older, and you are not in the same building with me or the same city with me, and you cannot cry out and hear my voice at any moment of the day, you will learn that I'm still here, and I am still with you. Then, even when you are states away or countries away from me, you will learn that even then I'm still here, and I am still with you. Then, when it is my time to leave this planet, and I am no longer here in the flesh, you will learn evermore that I am still here, and I'm still with you. You carry me with you right here in your heart." (I place my hand on his chest and look at him) "Mommy's right here."

He began to cry again as I closed the door to the car and walked around to the driver side to get in. As I sat down and put on my seatbelt, I said reassuringly "I know. You might not know this right now, but you will learn it. I promise. I'm always with you."

I've been a mother for 10 short months, and I have so much to learn and so much growing to do with this beautiful young soul.  I am a firm believer in keeping a balance between the extreme of spoiling and the extreme of cultivating a child with learned disconnection. I recognize moments when I feel overwhelmed by his dependency on me, moments where I am overjoyed by our connection, moments where I get frustrated, impatient, ecstatic, floored by the love, and even healed and transformed. The most amazing thing about it all is that it is a journey, and whether I learn that Ayden's love language is physical touch or if what I suspect to be true is proven that he has my personality and his father's good looks, or if this simply is only a stage - a phase in his life where he truly needs mommy so that he can learn healthy human connection, empathy, vulnerability, trust, and so many other virtues.......... Whatever it is, I am so extremely blessed to be this precious joyful boy's Mommy, and I will treasure every moment I have in our long life together, knowing that I will always still be here, and I will always be with him...... 

 

 

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